Hello, I’m Marta.

Thank you for visiting my website, dear Passer-by.

Writing about myself is, by far, the most dificult post I have ever written. I generally don’t talk much about what actually happens in my life, unless asked by someone who cares. I don’t like bragging and I’ve never aimed at becoming famous, on the contrary. All my life, I’ve been doing a lot to pass unnoticed. But I also feel I ought to justify my presence on the internet somehow.

I’m a world traveler, an avid hiker, a compulsive book buyer, and a nature lover.

It wasn’t until recently that I discovered the MBTI and, suddenly, things started to make sense. Now I can say that I’m also a stereotypical INFP on a never-ending journey of self-discovery: sometimes, a cute fairy princess that scatters glitter around, and on other days, a cynical witch (or a person best-described with the B-word that rhymes with it). With all this emotional intensity and crazy mood swings, being me has always been quite a challenge.

 

I was born in 1989, in a fairly normal middle-class family, two months before the democracy took over in Poland. I had a relatively happy childhood in my 2nd world country, even though I never really felt like I fit any group. But with such a rich inner life and boundless imagination, and so many interesting books to read, who would care?

In spite of my contempt tradition and social conventions, I also did pretty well in the real life in terms of achievement. Driven by the core shame, I finished all the levels of education up to my bachelor’s degree with one of the highest GPAs, even though the little nasty perfectionistic Gremlin within me wouldn’t acknowledge my merit. I felt lucky more than proud of myself.

And then, shit happened. A pretty bad shit, actually. My Dad died of aortic aneurysm when I was 24. And I inherited an insurance business, a car, and plenty of other problems I had no idea how to cope with.

Within one day, I felt I was suddenly 20 years older. I realized a bunch of my hair had gone grey, but did not have the time to reflect upon these things. Within a short time I quit the new job, I learned a new profession and began a never-ending struggle of an aspiring businesswoman. I’d always been the kind of person that manages by herself, so I chose to succeed in business no matter what. In spite that everything was going wrong and completely against my intuition.

Until one day I couldn’t stand my life anymore and caught myself redhanded on wishing to stop existing. None of the active self-destruction thoughts, you know. I just completely gave up on my dreams, on my desires, felt no pleasure and wished I had never been born. I became a worthless zombie without social life and unable to focus on the simplest tasks. I had a constant pain in my back and chest and crying did not give me relief anymore.

Luckily, remnants of common sense and hope (or my Inner Parent) made me seek the help of a psychiatrist. I am doing  much better now, otherwise wouldn’t be able to write anything at all, but the fight isn’t over yet. The struggle for happiness and a better life has just begun.

The photo on the right was taken a short time before this shit happened to me. I know I will never be that person again, but I will be happy being a better version of myself, a “Marta 2.0”.

 

Random experiences that made me who I am now…


As a form of autotherapy, I like to remind myself of the awesome things I have done in my life. These experiences have formed me as a person and I’m grateful for all the opportunities to grow as a person that I was given. I am not listing all those things to brag. I want you to know where my ideas came from and how I arrived to the point where I am now.

  • I walked over 1000 km from Basque Country to Santiago de Compostela and Finisterre in 30 days. Yes, on foot. No kidding. Not only did I manage to survive, but also drew great pleasure from it, even though it was painful sometimes. But, as they say, no pain, no glory. It taught me that no matter how exhausted I am, I still have some strength left to take another step. It is the journey that matters, not the destination. I think that was the very beginning of my spiritual journey.
  • I taught English to underprivileged children in Colombia, which made me appreciate the country I live in, the things I have and my achievements. With my own eyes, I saw how little one needs to be happy.
  • As a teen, I spent a month aboard a tall ship, sailing around Europe. I learned that sometimes you need a whole team to get certain things done, so there is no shame in asking for help. Try setting even the smallest sail yourself, and you will understand what I mean.
  • I created myself a habit of exercising 6 times a week, for the sake of my health and well-being. I overcame my complexes and fixed the defects I had considered unfixable. Now I fully accept my body the way it is, and keep working on strength and fitness.
  • I learned the basics of climbing myself. There is still much to improve, but I can already say that I know what climbing is about. It taught me that comparing myself to others makes no sense, because each climber has very different body structure, which translates into a completely different technique. If I want to improve, I have to compare myself only to the person I was yesterday.
  • I’ve run two insurance Ltd. companies, and failed at both, which made me realize precisely what I am not aiming at in life.
  • I created this blog, and it keeps me going, even on bad days.

 

Want to know me better? I reveal a little bit of myself in every post. You can start reading with one of these:

28 Things I Wish I Knew 10 Years Ago: Advice For My Younger INFP Self
INFP Depression… Is It Inevitable In This Evil World?
Overcoming The Stigma Of Mental Illness: 5 Reasons Why I Am Not Ashamed Of My Depression
The Anxiety Of A Mental Health Blogger, Or What My Gremlins Say
5 Books That Changed My Life And Made Me A Better Version Of Myself

 

Blog Depression Recovery Anxiety Personal Growth

ABOUT ME

Before my 27th birthday I was diagnosed major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. After some psychotherapy and medication, I am seeing my depression as a source of positive changes and self growth. I will be sharing with you my research on how to cope with depression, methods to boost your mood and very personal confessions, hoping that it will inspire you to fight depression for good!

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