After a very active and productive offline weekend in the countryside, I am back to town, and feeling depressed once again. Even on medication, there are always better and worse days. Mondays are actually pretty bad in general, and in conjunction with menstrual pains they are just unbearable. The best survival strategy is to lay down with a hot water bottle on my belly and do nothing. Breathe, listen to music, and hope to make it through yet another day of life. Instead, with a how water bottle on my belly, I decided to tell you what it feels like to have depression and anxiety.
Everyone’s experience is different. Here is mine.
What it feels like to have depression and anxiety?
It takes me lots of time and effort to get up and do some basic grooming routines. Sleeping feels so much better than being awake, especially if you have colorful and vivid dreams thanks to the medication. Real life is dull and painful.
My mood is like riding on a roller coaster. Even when I’m in a relatively good mood, one thought, a single image, one small failure is enough to trigger my zombie-mode.
I hate when the phone rings. The ringtone rapes the silence. If I turn the sound off and leave only vibration, it isn’t any better. The sound of vibration on the table is just as unpleasant. An unknown number always means trouble, or that I have to fix somebody’s problems, or that somebody will be trying to sell me useless stuff, so I hesitate. I wish I could be somewhere out of network coverage. I wouldn’t pick up any call if it wasn’t part of my job, but I have to. Everything I do is because I have to.
It feels terribly lonely. Talking on the phone is the only human interaction throughout the day, and I hate it. I wish I could force myself to go out an be with people, but I feel completely worthless as a companion. I have nothing interesting to say, I don’t have social life, I am just wasting their time. Who would like to meet with a grumpy and depressed loser anyway? It hurts to fake a smile in front of your friends, when they talk with enthusiasm about their successful lives or satisfying relationships. It’s also tiring, but if I don’t, they will notice my zombie-like facial expression and will find out that something is wrong with me. Being with people is not safe because they might ask you the “How are you?”, pretending that they care. What is better, tell them and feel even more miserable while they pity you, or answer with a fake smile that everything’s all right? They will try to convince me it’s only in my head, or will tell me to get a grip on myself. I will feel even more lonely after such a meeting. Well, I just hate them, sometimes for no reason, so I isolate myself. I keep pushing them away, and yet I need them.
I get irritated easily. Noises most people don’t even notice disturb my world of silence. The city traffic, airplanes landing, neighbors drilling holes or listening to music, doorbell ringing… My head explodes each time I hear any of those.
I am bored most of the time because nothing gives me pleasure. I can’t even focus on stupid series… Letters jump in front of my eyes when attempting to read. I can’t focus when somebody talks to me. I can’t focus on my job, and write my blog instead. That’s the only thing that makes me feel doing something productive. Procrastination is my second name. There is a pile of unended tasks that I am doing nothing about. As it grows, increases my guilt for not caring, and feeling of worthlessness. I’ve never been a perfect housewife, but the mess I have now in my room is outrageous… I hate it but can’t find the motivation to get it cleaned.
I worry a lot about the future. I worry that I will never find the right person to start a family with. I worry about my health, because I don’t want to die like my Dad. Or, that I will spend the rest of my life doing some shit office job for a miserable salary. Positive thinking seems delusional. The overwhelming fear of failure prevents me from taking any important decision. So I don’t take any, just in case. Why would I care?
I often burst out into tears for no reason. Any minor failure, any meaningless mistake rises to a level of a drama. I ruminate all my fuck-ups, one after another, over and over again. I regret every decision I have taken over the last three years.
It feels terribly, overwhelmingly sad to be a burden. I use too much oxygen, while producing too much waste. I don’t want to keep living like that, nor to die or to kill myself. It know it would hurt my family. Thanks to Mom I keep going. I don’t want to let her down. I just wish I had never been born.
The very existence gives so much pain. It feels as if somebody had a tight grip on my throat, while sitting on my chest. My muscles are so tense all the time that sometimes my whole body aches.
And it all feels like it is going to last forever. That nothing will ever change for better, so there is no point in making an effort.
And you? What is your experience? What it feels like to have depression and anxiety?
Feel free to drop me a comment below.